"The Debate" by Facebook

There are few things more amusing than my Facebook News Feed during a presidential debate.  (Except maybe this video on YouTube.)

Here's a recap:

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MY SHOUTY CAPS ACCURATELY ILLUSTRATE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR MITT ROMNEY!!!

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Anti-Obama photo with clever repurposing of his original campaign logo

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47% < 53% > 1%!  

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Oh...there's a debate on?

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Cleverly captioned photo of Mitt Romney making a horrible face

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[Insert Bible verse here] Go Mitt!

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Guns and Welfare and Gays, oh my!

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Anti-Obama photo with clever repurposing of his original campaign logo

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somethingsomething 47% somethingsomethingsomething

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I don't care who wins.  I don't care about politics. I'm going to WalMart.

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Photo of George Bush captioned with snarky retrospect joke

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Obummer, Obiden, Hussein!

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Romney hates women.

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SOCIALIST!

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MORMON!

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eCard portraying cartoon woman drinking wine and talking about politics.

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Cleverly captioned photo of Mitt Romney making a horrible face

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Photo of gas station price sign reflecting a significantly less expensive price per gallon.

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Oppan Gangnam Style!   (OK...this one was me.)

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MY SHOUTY CAPS ACCURATELY ILLUSTRATE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR BARACK OBAMA!!!

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I'm writing in __________________ on my ballot!

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Romney TOTALLY won that.

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Obama NAILED it!

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Accurate Gratitude

Yes, that's about right.

How Do I Irritate Thee? Let Me Count the Ways...

Thanks to the Internet, everyone is now an expert on *something.*  Gone are the days of library research and card catalogues and encyclopedias.  Everything you ever wanted to know is now right at your fingertips.

Sometimes this is great.  One example:  just the other day I was finishing a recipe and needed 1/4 of a cup of something.  The only measuring implement I could find was a teaspoon.  No math! Just Google.  Google also taught me that when I run out of vanilla extract, coconut rum will work just fine.  And then Google led me to a website that told me if I ate said recipe, I would be far over my recommended caloric intake for the day.  Thanks a lot, Google. 

Sometimes this is not so great.  A few months ago I came down with what I'm *fairly* certain was just a common cold.  But Google told me that it could be Cholera.  Or SARS.  I can only imagine the self-diagnoses that doctors are seeing these days. 

Sometimes this is just plain entertaining.  Particularly when the Internet becomes the audience, and the experts become the authors.  The freedom with which various websites allow us to comment, post, blog, and write bestows upon the would-be journalist a semblance of credibility and sense of importance that comes with having not only something to say, but somewhere to say it.  We can be Published!  And people will read!  An imaginary audience waits with baited breath on the other side of our keyboards.  

(Of course, I know nothing about that...) 

The Authors have all kinds of opinions on everything.  It's amazing -- whenever I'm feeling indecisive or in need of validation, I just Google, and there they are.  What should I wear today? (I'll stick with jeans and a t-shirt) Is it OK to pick your nose?  (gross!)  Are women always right? (I knew it!) 

Yesterday I found myself reading what The Authors considered to be the most irritating human traits.  I'm in trouble.  Apparently I'm very irritating.  These Authors warned me of some annoying and nasty habits that "can turn into monumental issues in [my] marriage."  Uh oh... not only am I not supposed to burp or pick my nose, but I also can't use a fork as a back scratcher!! I also can't laugh at my own jokes,  fail at map reading, or be afraid of horror movies -- so I'm pretty much screwed.  And this Author agrees--bad navigation will be my downfall!  Here is yet *another* Author who abhors my bad navigational skills. This Author  doesn't like annoying ringtones...but surely the Knight Rider theme wouldn't qualify as annoying...right? So I think I'm okay there.

The consistency with which my embarrassingly bad navigational skills kept popping up in these blogs was a little alarming.  I have always considered myself a pretty self-aware person, so how did I miss this massive irritant?  I probably wouldn't have even written it down on a "Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy" list.  So -- I asked myself -- what *would* I write on that list?   So began my self-awarness exercise for the week.

10 Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy
(in no particular order)

1. I leave junk mail in the mailbox.  I almost always get the mail as I'm pulling out of the driveway in the morning, and I can't stand when flyers and circulars junk up the car--so I pick out the important pieces and leave everything else there.  Sometime at the end of the week I remind myself to grab it all and chuck it in the trash can on the way inside.  My mailman hates me, I am certain.

2. I lie about food allergies.  I actually am allergic to shellfish...but I loathe all fish.  And I got so tired of people telling me that I *could* eat salmon, or trout, or snapper (or whatever other nasty scaly piece of meat that is nearly impossible to chew up that they were featuring that day) that I started lying and saying that I was allergic to seafood.  Yes, all seafood.  Also mayonnaise and mushrooms (because this tactic proved so effective).

3. Gross things go on your plate.  Ok, so maybe I'm a bit of a picky eater.  But that piece of chicken with the vein sticking out, or the fat off that steak, or the rogue mushroom has to go on your plate.  I can't eat it, and I can't stand to look at it either.  Take one for the team, would you?

4. Someone forgot to tell me I'm a terrible singer. I love music, and always found it incredibly unfortunate that I inherited none of my father's musical inclination.  Luckily for me, that doesn't stop me from belting out my favorite tunes--in the shower, in the car, in public...venue is of no matter.  I will serenade you, I will serenade you at top volume, and I will serenade you in public.  

5. I am distracted by shiny objects.  I'm easily distractible. I forget what I was talking about mid-conversation. I don't always finish what I start. I get sidetracked when

6. I own 42 plain white tee shirts.  Ok, maybe 42 is an exaggeration--it might only be 38.  I just can't help myself.  I have a uniform -- blue jeans and a plain tee (not always white) -- and no matter how hard I try to spice this up, I end up back in the same thing.  If I find a plain tee that I love, I buy the same one in 4 other colors--but I always have a very hard time passing up the white ones. If I want to be crazy, I layer two colors that don't match.  Last week I put on a striped shirt...it lasted about 10 minutes, and I had to take it off.

7. Everyone is my friend.  I include the waitress in our conversation.  I ask the taxi driver for his life story. I make friends with the bellhop on the elevator.  I adore people, and I want to talk to them.

8. I laugh at my own jokes.  It's true, and I'm not ashamed.  Sometimes, if I think of something really funny, I'll end up giggling so badly that I have to wait to share it.  The world is a funny place, and I laugh at it.

9. I want a bite.  If you have a problem with sharing food, it's best we don't become friends.  Everything on your plate always looks tastier.  And if you ask me beforehand if I'd like you to grill me a steak, or scoop me a bowl of ice cream (or whatever), I'll almost always say no.  Then I'll eat yours.

9 1/2. Apparently I have a lot of food issues.

10.  I can't decide if I'm indecisive, or if I just have a hard time with decisions.  It's true--I am indecisive to a fault.  When asked my preference on restaurants, for example, I usually respond with "I pick not having to choose."  (Now -- this doesn't mean I don't have an opinion...because, as an an added irritation bonus, I'll still shoot down choices I don't like...)  I often still "eenie meenie miney mo" in my head, and I think the Magic 8 Ball might be one of the world's greatest inventions.  I rarely, if ever, shop online because there are no sales clerks to choose for me. (Thankfully, this works well with #7.)

So, Internet audience, there you have it. 10 more irritating human traits, courtesy of this Expert Author.  

Yellow-Bellied Three-Toed Skink

I really, really love this little gal--and everything she represents.  National Geographic featured her in an article titled "Evolution in Action: Lizard Moving From Eggs to Live Birth."

(I also just had to edit myself -- I had typed "I really, really love this little guy."  However, given that *she* is carrying her embryos in her belly, I am fairly certain I had it wrong there...)

Please check out her article here.

Almost as entertaining as (though far less educational than) the article are the comments by readers at the bottom.  Once again, the Internet serves as a forum for Holier/More Evolved Than Thou folks on *both* sides of this age-old creation vs. evolution argument to show their ignorance via petty, often completely asinine comment postings.  Good job, guys.

Don't Follow Her, You Might Scare Her

Thank you, Internet, for The Tao of Badass--SoSuave.com's cooler, wealthier, better looking cousin.

Boys, those days of sitting in your trench coat on the park bench ogling ladies in vain are about to come to an end. Get out your pencils and prepare to take notes as TToB brings you "Best Ways to Stop a Woman on the Street." (You can read the entire article here: More Help for the Hopeless )

Here are the highlights:

Stopping a woman on the street is a five-step process:
1. Eye contact
Nearly every book, list or website you read about how men can connect better with women will mention eye contact. And they’re right. With the pretty lady you see on the street, make eye contact as soon as possible. Keep your eyes locked, too, so she knows that it wasn’t just chance that your eyes met. Once eye contact has been made, make sure she knows you are trying to get her attention. Wave, nod – something obviously attention getting.
This one is pretty self-explanatory.  Let's move on.

2. Use your voice
If you’re on a loud street, you’ll need to speak up. Make sure the ends of your sentences aren’t getting lost in the noisy bustle around you. This is particular important if she’s a distance away and not near enough to hear you talking at a normal volume. Stay calm and keep your words simple so she can understand.
"...keep your words simple so she can understand."  Remember men, these are women we're dealing with here.  Don't use big words like "interception" and "microbrew."

3. Don’t follow
You don’t want to rush after her. This displays neediness and might scare her. Instead, hold your ground and make sure she has heard you and has seen your eye contact. Compliment her so she’ll have a reason to slow down and engage you. If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you’ll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past.
"This displays neediness and might scare her."  True story.  However, if we feel that our target audience needs to be told that following a woman you've spotted on the street and stared down (see tip #1) might scare her, then it might have also been a good idea to include more specific guidelines in tip #4: Use Your Hands.

"Compliment her so she'll have a reason to slow down and engage you."  Flattery will get you everywhere, duh.

"If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get.  Note what works best so you'll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past."  I'd love to see this notepad:
That shirt almost totally hides your tramp stamp.  
Wow, I had no idea your ass was that big until you stood up. 
You look just like my ex girlfriend!

4. Use your hands
Incorporating hand gestures into your conversation will not only help her follow your conversation if you’re somewhere busy, but it will also keep her attention on you. On the street, it will be easy for her to get distracted, particularly if she isn’t totally convinced that it was worth stopping to talk. Use your hands to keep her eyes focused on you. Using your hands will also display confidence. Don’t keep them in your pockets with your shoulders slouched. You know what you want and you think she’ll want it, too. Make that clear.
"You know what you want and you'll think she'll want it too. Make that clear."  It's all in the wrist.

And finally....

5. Smile 
There is nothing as welcoming and nonthreatening as a smile. You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her but also maintain a calm that assures her that you aren’t a nutcase. Just smile. Express your excitement and attraction to her with your grin. It will calm her down, welcome her to you, and engage her in conversation.
"You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her..."  without getting arrested, we mean.  So we'll have to settle for a smile.

Let's sum it all up:

The trick with stopping a busy lady on the street is accessing your confidence and then, of course, not losing it. You have to stand your ground. Don’t run after her; your eye contact and waving should be bold enough to convince her to stop. From there, you know what to do. Flirt, compliment, engage. Make her so intrigued by you that she wants to know more. Don’t get too casual too quick – remember that you just met on the street and you don’t even know if she’s single – but if her body language is saying “yes,” go ahead and ask for a chance to see her again. Stopping someone on the street who catches your eye can seem a little trashy if you don’t handle yourself correctly. The trick is getting her attention and then letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are.
"The trick is...letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are."  Or...not.

Seriously...who writes this stuff?  If I had to guess, I'd say this is a fine example of "Those who can't do, teach."

Don Juan: Mad Inner Game

What do you get when you combine Zen Buddhism, Steven Covey, and Don Juan?

You get Marlimus.

According to this little gem from the SoSuave.com Hall of Fame:

One cannot have game unless one has Inner Game.

Inner Game, according to Marlimus, is the key to being a true Don Juan.  A ladykilling natural.  Perhaps even an Alpha Male.  (However, Inner Game will not save you from being a crappy writer who overuses third person.)

In order to reach your Inner Game potential you must first learn to control your emotions.  If one is unsure about how one might go about gaining control over one's emotions, then one should not worry, because one can find a list of suggested techniques right here on one's computer.  Marlimus lists 4 of the obvious ways ("some involuntary, some learnt"), but then goes on to explain the REAL KEY to emotional control.  He has mind-melded with Steven Covey.

So -- here is the REAL KEY.  It's a multi-step process:
1. Understand the stimulus -- what has caused you to develop pesky emotions and see some girl as more than just another lay?

2. Analyze this cause through the lens of your value system -- particularly your Don Juan psychology that says "you're effing awesome, no matter what every woman around you says."

3. Ask yourself: "WWDJD?"  Would Don Juan approve of my emotional response toward this female?

4. Answer "No!"  and never call her again.  Pat yourself on the back for escaping that close call.

Marlimus himself describes one such close call that he was able to walk away from thanks to his proven  Inner Game.   He almost succumbed to "love" with a woman who was not only a close friend, but who was also warm, sincere, maternal, caring, and admired him openly. Oh, the horror.  Thanks to Inner Game, he was able to make that all disappear and return to being a Don Juan who has the power to choose any woman he wants.  Love is a verb, not a noun!

Marlimus, Lord of his citadel.  One can only dream of achieving this level of machismo greatness.

You Catch More Flies with Self-Deprecation

I was talking with an old friend recently about the effect social media (particularly Facebook) has had on my opinions of people I know.  Facebook can truly make or break a friendship for me.  I've met people recently that I thought I adored, only to accept a Facebook friend request and realize that we are unlikely to get along well at all.  I'm also a big fan of random friend requests from people I knew (or think I might have known) 10 years ago.  I'm certain that a large percentage of my Facebook friends are high school-era acquaintances I haven't seen in over a decade and I think that, because of Facebook, I like a lot of these people more now than I ever did back then.  

It's not because of all the photo albums, or the impressive employment history listed out in their profile, or who they're friends with, or what celebrity pages they like.  In fact, I can't say that I've ever really looked at the details on most of their profiles.  It's because of the status updates. 

Ahh, the Facebook status update.  The "Headline News" of our everyday lives that is broadcast on the news feeds of everyone we're connected to.  These simple snippets of thought almost single-handedly form my opinion of my Facebook friends.  Through their updates I start to get a feel for who they are, what they like (and don't), their sense of humor (or lack thereof), and their overall personality and attitude.  Often, this is a great thing. Sometimes...not so much.  

I've noticed that there tend to be a few repeating themes among status updates:

1. Nothing Passive About This Aggression

We all have at least one in our friend list.  This is the person who believes all interpersonal conflicts should be publicized, but is always careful to leave out *just* enough detail so that not every one of their Facebook connections knows exactly who they are referring to.  She keeps these posts visible to the offender, of course, because the 14-or-so responses she's hoping to solicit to her "Can you BELIEVE that SOMEONE had the nerve to tell me [fill in the blank]??!?" are certain to make said offender think twice about ever messing with her again.  Obviously she was right. All her friends say so. 

2. Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

This friend is single. Still. Even since yesterday night, when he posted about how much more fun this concert would have been if he could have shared it with someone special.  This morning he shared a photo from the "Lonely Hearts" fan page with a great motivational quote that had me totally convinced that he was single by choice because he simply wouldn't settle for a sub-par mate.  But alas, this afternoon he's lonely again and would like to know if anyone wants to join him for a beer. And maybe speed dating. The most painful part about these updates? The fact that there are generally zero responses. 

3. Jesus Loves Me, Yes I Know

Bible verses are ok (in moderation), but it's the "Repost this as your status if you love Jesus!" updates that get people blocked from my feed. 

4. Viva La Revolucion!

I am actually very fond of my activist friends. I enjoy reading all the differing opinions, and the passion with which each side shares their own beliefs.  I've learned a lot through updates about hot topics, especially politics, and there have been days when I've been completely out of touch with news, radio, or television and heard about a major headline via someone's status.  But alas, some might do well to realize that they probably aren't going to facilitate a major movement for their cause via a status soapbox--in fact, often times their attempt at an informative call-to-action might be more off-putting than inspirational.  

5. I'm Awesome and Now You Know It

I cleaned my ENTIRE house today, including a spit-polish of the grout around all 7 toilets right before I ran 8 miles in my awesome new workout clothes (you can see them in my album titled "Awesome Things I Bought - September 12") and didn't even mess up my hair. Now I'm homeschooling my 4 perfectly groomed children -- except that's really hard because they all already read at a college level (if you don't believe me, check out their test scores -- I posted them in the album titled "Awesome Accomplishments - September 12") and they all speak three languages.  I think pretty soon we'll head out to the playgroup I organized at my church last week to swap recipes so I can come home and cook a four course meal that I plan to post pictures of (you'll be able to find them in the album titled "Awesome Food I Cooked From Scratch - September 12") for my awesome husband when he gets home from his 7-figure income job this evening.  He loves when I do that. He loves everything I do, because he's perfect and we never fight.  And he never, EVER looks at other women.  Because I'm awesome. 

It's the last one that puzzles me the most.  I have to wonder how this person feels when they read the same type of status update from another friend.  Do they buy it? Does it make them like that friend more?  I doubt it...the underlying tones of one-upmanship in their own updates would indicate that any sort of success on the part of their friends spurs their competitive aggression.  Why, then, are they incapable of understanding the power their own humility could have in interpersonal relationships?  

I still remember one of my favorite status updates.  It was posted by someone I barely knew (one of those "I think we might have had a class together in high school" friends) who may very well have been hacked. It said (loosely quoted from memory): 

"I really love a good poop."  

I instantly liked her more than ever.  I started paying the same attention to her updates as I do to some of my favorite friends, clicking on her posted pictures, and generally just giving a f*** about what she had to say.  I didn't care if it was a hacked update or not -- she left it there. She owned it, she wasn't embarrassed, and I thought it was hilarious.  

I don't know why more people don't embrace self-deprecating humor.  There has been plenty of research into this, especially as it pertains to the forming and maintaining of relationships.  "Self-deprecating humor reduces tension and indicates a nonthreatening stance that puts others at ease." (Quote from this article)  Overall, researchers have found that it makes a person more attractive to others.  In my opinion, this goes beyond just romantic flirtations -- it makes anyone more attractive to me, in any sense.  I admire the ability to laugh at one's self.  I wish more people would stop trying to impress (or depress, or aggress...) and just take a minute to laugh. 

"Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive."  --Elbert Hubbard

Blood is Thicker than Water

No, really. It is.

The viscosity of blood is about 3-4 cP at 37  °C .  The viscosity of water is 0.890 cP at about 25 °C.

So?

Well, this little tidbit of science was first turned to metaphor by Heinrich der Glîchezære, author of Reinhart Fuchs (circa 1180).  His intent was to illustrate his belief that familial ties were stronger than the bonds of friendship ever could be.  Obviously the masses believed there was some truth to this, as his Blut ist dicker als Wasser became a common proverb still used today.

In 1920, Aldous Huxley put a slightly different spin on this phrase in "The Ninth Philosopher's Song:"
Blood, as all men know, than water's thicker / But water's wider, thank the Lord, than blood.

That is obviously open to many different interpretations, mine being: Screw viscosity.

Jim Butcher, I believe, said it best:

“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. ” 

The Bucket List

Over the last year or so I came to realize that life is finite.  "Duh," you say, I know.  I just simply never gave it much thought until recently.  I was very guilty of an "it won't happen to me" mentality, and generally sucked at planning for the future (in the extreme sense, I mean: I raised my eyebrows at friends who stockpiled three years worth of dry goods in their cellar and rolled my eyes at the stodgy 40-something men at the gun range who talked about building a bomb shelter).  

So, the idea of a "Bucket List" always seemed a bit morose to me, and I never gave it much thought (besides a fleeting thought of John Travolta whenever the phrase was mentioned).  Now I embrace it.  I want to stop saying "someday I'll ______" and be able to say "I just ________!"  I currently add to this list faster than I cross anything off of it, but that's okay.   The most important part is that I've started to approach life's opportunities with a completely different attitude -- I take the chance instead of playing it safe.  I close my eyes and jump.  I "just do it."  

Bucket List Item 42: (Note: these will be completed/attempted in no particular order)  Run a 5k.  

I am an extremely competitive person.  Ridiculously so, at times, and especially with myself.  I could kick myself now for not sticking with track (I joined once in 9th grade, and that's it), as competitive running offers the perfect mix of self-competition with competitor-competetion.  It's the best of both worlds.  Yet, stupidly, I waited until my 30s to finally capitalize on the interest I've had since my early teens.  And now I can just barely churn out a 13:00 mile.  It's pathetic, really, but it's a starting point.  I try to remind myself that this is the hardest part -- the getting back into shape -- because the pain is so severe and so fresh that it makes it that much more difficult to be motivated to go again tomorrow.  That's why I created a bit of accountability for myself...and registered for that 5k.  On 10/20...4 weeks away.  It'll be rather ridiculous, and right now my goal is to finish in under an hour.  But...again, it's a starting point.  

It's about time!

I've been saying "I think I'll start a blog!" for....10 years?

I tend to live by the motto "Never do today what can be put off until tomorrow."

I have decided this can no longer be put off until tomorrow!  Writing -- in some capacity -- has been a dream of mine since I was 5 and putting together my own self-illustrated storybooks about my teddy bear with cardboard, contact paper, and staples.  KC had lots of adventures.  And while I don't see myself revolutionizing a new fiction genre anytime soon (Vampires...taken.  BDSM...taken. GD, what's left??), at least now I have an outlet.