There are few things more amusing than my Facebook News Feed during a presidential debate. (Except maybe this video on YouTube.)
Here's a recap:
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MY SHOUTY CAPS ACCURATELY ILLUSTRATE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR MITT ROMNEY!!!
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Anti-Obama photo with clever repurposing of his original campaign logo
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47% < 53% > 1%!
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Oh...there's a debate on?
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Cleverly captioned photo of Mitt Romney making a horrible face
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[Insert Bible verse here] Go Mitt!
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Guns and Welfare and Gays, oh my!
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Anti-Obama photo with clever repurposing of his original campaign logo
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somethingsomething 47% somethingsomethingsomething
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I don't care who wins. I don't care about politics. I'm going to WalMart.
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Photo of George Bush captioned with snarky retrospect joke
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Obummer, Obiden, Hussein!
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Romney hates women.
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SOCIALIST!
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MORMON!
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eCard portraying cartoon woman drinking wine and talking about politics.
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Cleverly captioned photo of Mitt Romney making a horrible face
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Photo of gas station price sign reflecting a significantly less expensive price per gallon.
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Oppan Gangnam Style! (OK...this one was me.)
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MY SHOUTY CAPS ACCURATELY ILLUSTRATE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR BARACK OBAMA!!!
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I'm writing in __________________ on my ballot!
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Romney TOTALLY won that.
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Obama NAILED it!
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
How Do I Irritate Thee? Let Me Count the Ways...
Thanks to the Internet, everyone is now an expert on *something.* Gone are the days of library research and card catalogues and encyclopedias. Everything you ever wanted to know is now right at your fingertips.
Sometimes this is great. One example: just the other day I was finishing a recipe and needed 1/4 of a cup of something. The only measuring implement I could find was a teaspoon. No math! Just Google. Google also taught me that when I run out of vanilla extract, coconut rum will work just fine. And then Google led me to a website that told me if I ate said recipe, I would be far over my recommended caloric intake for the day. Thanks a lot, Google.
Sometimes this is not so great. A few months ago I came down with what I'm *fairly* certain was just a common cold. But Google told me that it could be Cholera. Or SARS. I can only imagine the self-diagnoses that doctors are seeing these days.
Sometimes this is just plain entertaining. Particularly when the Internet becomes the audience, and the experts become the authors. The freedom with which various websites allow us to comment, post, blog, and write bestows upon the would-be journalist a semblance of credibility and sense of importance that comes with having not only something to say, but somewhere to say it. We can be Published! And people will read! An imaginary audience waits with baited breath on the other side of our keyboards.
(Of course, I know nothing about that...)
The Authors have all kinds of opinions on everything. It's amazing -- whenever I'm feeling indecisive or in need of validation, I just Google, and there they are. What should I wear today? (I'll stick with jeans and a t-shirt) Is it OK to pick your nose? (gross!) Are women always right? (I knew it!)
Yesterday I found myself reading what The Authors considered to be the most irritating human traits. I'm in trouble. Apparently I'm very irritating. These Authors warned me of some annoying and nasty habits that "can turn into monumental issues in [my] marriage." Uh oh... not only am I not supposed to burp or pick my nose, but I also can't use a fork as a back scratcher!! I also can't laugh at my own jokes, fail at map reading, or be afraid of horror movies -- so I'm pretty much screwed. And this Author agrees--bad navigation will be my downfall! Here is yet *another* Author who abhors my bad navigational skills. This Author doesn't like annoying ringtones...but surely the Knight Rider theme wouldn't qualify as annoying...right? So I think I'm okay there.
The consistency with which my embarrassingly bad navigational skills kept popping up in these blogs was a little alarming. I have always considered myself a pretty self-aware person, so how did I miss this massive irritant? I probably wouldn't have even written it down on a "Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy" list. So -- I asked myself -- what *would* I write on that list? So began my self-awarness exercise for the week.
10 Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy
(in no particular order)
1. I leave junk mail in the mailbox. I almost always get the mail as I'm pulling out of the driveway in the morning, and I can't stand when flyers and circulars junk up the car--so I pick out the important pieces and leave everything else there. Sometime at the end of the week I remind myself to grab it all and chuck it in the trash can on the way inside. My mailman hates me, I am certain.
2. I lie about food allergies. I actually am allergic to shellfish...but I loathe all fish. And I got so tired of people telling me that I *could* eat salmon, or trout, or snapper (or whatever other nasty scaly piece of meat that is nearly impossible to chew up that they were featuring that day) that I started lying and saying that I was allergic to seafood. Yes, all seafood. Also mayonnaise and mushrooms (because this tactic proved so effective).
3. Gross things go on your plate. Ok, so maybe I'm a bit of a picky eater. But that piece of chicken with the vein sticking out, or the fat off that steak, or the rogue mushroom has to go on your plate. I can't eat it, and I can't stand to look at it either. Take one for the team, would you?
4. Someone forgot to tell me I'm a terrible singer. I love music, and always found it incredibly unfortunate that I inherited none of my father's musical inclination. Luckily for me, that doesn't stop me from belting out my favorite tunes--in the shower, in the car, in public...venue is of no matter. I will serenade you, I will serenade you at top volume, and I will serenade you in public.
The consistency with which my embarrassingly bad navigational skills kept popping up in these blogs was a little alarming. I have always considered myself a pretty self-aware person, so how did I miss this massive irritant? I probably wouldn't have even written it down on a "Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy" list. So -- I asked myself -- what *would* I write on that list? So began my self-awarness exercise for the week.
10 Reasons Why I'll Drive You Crazy
(in no particular order)
1. I leave junk mail in the mailbox. I almost always get the mail as I'm pulling out of the driveway in the morning, and I can't stand when flyers and circulars junk up the car--so I pick out the important pieces and leave everything else there. Sometime at the end of the week I remind myself to grab it all and chuck it in the trash can on the way inside. My mailman hates me, I am certain.
2. I lie about food allergies. I actually am allergic to shellfish...but I loathe all fish. And I got so tired of people telling me that I *could* eat salmon, or trout, or snapper (or whatever other nasty scaly piece of meat that is nearly impossible to chew up that they were featuring that day) that I started lying and saying that I was allergic to seafood. Yes, all seafood. Also mayonnaise and mushrooms (because this tactic proved so effective).
3. Gross things go on your plate. Ok, so maybe I'm a bit of a picky eater. But that piece of chicken with the vein sticking out, or the fat off that steak, or the rogue mushroom has to go on your plate. I can't eat it, and I can't stand to look at it either. Take one for the team, would you?
4. Someone forgot to tell me I'm a terrible singer. I love music, and always found it incredibly unfortunate that I inherited none of my father's musical inclination. Luckily for me, that doesn't stop me from belting out my favorite tunes--in the shower, in the car, in public...venue is of no matter. I will serenade you, I will serenade you at top volume, and I will serenade you in public.
5. I am distracted by shiny objects. I'm easily distractible. I forget what I was talking about mid-conversation. I don't always finish what I start. I get sidetracked when
6. I own 42 plain white tee shirts. Ok, maybe 42 is an exaggeration--it might only be 38. I just can't help myself. I have a uniform -- blue jeans and a plain tee (not always white) -- and no matter how hard I try to spice this up, I end up back in the same thing. If I find a plain tee that I love, I buy the same one in 4 other colors--but I always have a very hard time passing up the white ones. If I want to be crazy, I layer two colors that don't match. Last week I put on a striped shirt...it lasted about 10 minutes, and I had to take it off.
7. Everyone is my friend. I include the waitress in our conversation. I ask the taxi driver for his life story. I make friends with the bellhop on the elevator. I adore people, and I want to talk to them.
8. I laugh at my own jokes. It's true, and I'm not ashamed. Sometimes, if I think of something really funny, I'll end up giggling so badly that I have to wait to share it. The world is a funny place, and I laugh at it.
9. I want a bite. If you have a problem with sharing food, it's best we don't become friends. Everything on your plate always looks tastier. And if you ask me beforehand if I'd like you to grill me a steak, or scoop me a bowl of ice cream (or whatever), I'll almost always say no. Then I'll eat yours.
9 1/2. Apparently I have a lot of food issues.
10. I can't decide if I'm indecisive, or if I just have a hard time with decisions. It's true--I am indecisive to a fault. When asked my preference on restaurants, for example, I usually respond with "I pick not having to choose." (Now -- this doesn't mean I don't have an opinion...because, as an an added irritation bonus, I'll still shoot down choices I don't like...) I often still "eenie meenie miney mo" in my head, and I think the Magic 8 Ball might be one of the world's greatest inventions. I rarely, if ever, shop online because there are no sales clerks to choose for me. (Thankfully, this works well with #7.)
So, Internet audience, there you have it. 10 more irritating human traits, courtesy of this Expert Author.
6. I own 42 plain white tee shirts. Ok, maybe 42 is an exaggeration--it might only be 38. I just can't help myself. I have a uniform -- blue jeans and a plain tee (not always white) -- and no matter how hard I try to spice this up, I end up back in the same thing. If I find a plain tee that I love, I buy the same one in 4 other colors--but I always have a very hard time passing up the white ones. If I want to be crazy, I layer two colors that don't match. Last week I put on a striped shirt...it lasted about 10 minutes, and I had to take it off.
7. Everyone is my friend. I include the waitress in our conversation. I ask the taxi driver for his life story. I make friends with the bellhop on the elevator. I adore people, and I want to talk to them.
8. I laugh at my own jokes. It's true, and I'm not ashamed. Sometimes, if I think of something really funny, I'll end up giggling so badly that I have to wait to share it. The world is a funny place, and I laugh at it.
9. I want a bite. If you have a problem with sharing food, it's best we don't become friends. Everything on your plate always looks tastier. And if you ask me beforehand if I'd like you to grill me a steak, or scoop me a bowl of ice cream (or whatever), I'll almost always say no. Then I'll eat yours.
9 1/2. Apparently I have a lot of food issues.
10. I can't decide if I'm indecisive, or if I just have a hard time with decisions. It's true--I am indecisive to a fault. When asked my preference on restaurants, for example, I usually respond with "I pick not having to choose." (Now -- this doesn't mean I don't have an opinion...because, as an an added irritation bonus, I'll still shoot down choices I don't like...) I often still "eenie meenie miney mo" in my head, and I think the Magic 8 Ball might be one of the world's greatest inventions. I rarely, if ever, shop online because there are no sales clerks to choose for me. (Thankfully, this works well with #7.)
So, Internet audience, there you have it. 10 more irritating human traits, courtesy of this Expert Author.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Yellow-Bellied Three-Toed Skink
I really, really love this little gal--and everything she represents. National Geographic featured her in an article titled "Evolution in Action: Lizard Moving From Eggs to Live Birth."
(I also just had to edit myself -- I had typed "I really, really love this little guy." However, given that *she* is carrying her embryos in her belly, I am fairly certain I had it wrong there...)
Please check out her article here.
Almost as entertaining as (though far less educational than) the article are the comments by readers at the bottom. Once again, the Internet serves as a forum for Holier/More Evolved Than Thou folks on *both* sides of this age-old creation vs. evolution argument to show their ignorance via petty, often completely asinine comment postings. Good job, guys.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Don't Follow Her, You Might Scare Her
Thank you, Internet, for The Tao of Badass--SoSuave.com's cooler, wealthier, better looking cousin.
Boys, those days of sitting in your trench coat on the park bench ogling ladies in vain are about to come to an end. Get out your pencils and prepare to take notes as TToB brings you "Best Ways to Stop a Woman on the Street." (You can read the entire article here: More Help for the Hopeless )
Here are the highlights:
Stopping a woman on the street is a five-step process:
1. Eye contact
Nearly every book, list or website you read about how men can connect better with women will mention eye contact. And they’re right. With the pretty lady you see on the street, make eye contact as soon as possible. Keep your eyes locked, too, so she knows that it wasn’t just chance that your eyes met. Once eye contact has been made, make sure she knows you are trying to get her attention. Wave, nod – something obviously attention getting.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Let's move on.
2. Use your voice
If you’re on a loud street, you’ll need to speak up. Make sure the ends of your sentences aren’t getting lost in the noisy bustle around you. This is particular important if she’s a distance away and not near enough to hear you talking at a normal volume. Stay calm and keep your words simple so she can understand.
"...keep your words simple so she can understand." Remember men, these are women we're dealing with here. Don't use big words like "interception" and "microbrew."
3. Don’t follow
You don’t want to rush after her. This displays neediness and might scare her. Instead, hold your ground and make sure she has heard you and has seen your eye contact. Compliment her so she’ll have a reason to slow down and engage you. If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you’ll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past.
"This displays neediness and might scare her." True story. However, if we feel that our target audience needs to be told that following a woman you've spotted on the street and stared down (see tip #1) might scare her, then it might have also been a good idea to include more specific guidelines in tip #4: Use Your Hands.
"Compliment her so she'll have a reason to slow down and engage you." Flattery will get you everywhere, duh.
"If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you'll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past." I'd love to see this notepad:
That shirt almost totally hides your tramp stamp.
Wow, I had no idea your ass was that big until you stood up.
You look just like my ex girlfriend!
4. Use your hands
Incorporating hand gestures into your conversation will not only help her follow your conversation if you’re somewhere busy, but it will also keep her attention on you. On the street, it will be easy for her to get distracted, particularly if she isn’t totally convinced that it was worth stopping to talk. Use your hands to keep her eyes focused on you. Using your hands will also display confidence. Don’t keep them in your pockets with your shoulders slouched. You know what you want and you think she’ll want it, too. Make that clear.
"You know what you want and you'll think she'll want it too. Make that clear." It's all in the wrist.
And finally....
5. Smile
There is nothing as welcoming and nonthreatening as a smile. You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her but also maintain a calm that assures her that you aren’t a nutcase. Just smile. Express your excitement and attraction to her with your grin. It will calm her down, welcome her to you, and engage her in conversation.
"You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her..." without getting arrested, we mean. So we'll have to settle for a smile.
Let's sum it all up:
The trick with stopping a busy lady on the street is accessing your confidence and then, of course, not losing it. You have to stand your ground. Don’t run after her; your eye contact and waving should be bold enough to convince her to stop. From there, you know what to do. Flirt, compliment, engage. Make her so intrigued by you that she wants to know more. Don’t get too casual too quick – remember that you just met on the street and you don’t even know if she’s single – but if her body language is saying “yes,” go ahead and ask for a chance to see her again. Stopping someone on the street who catches your eye can seem a little trashy if you don’t handle yourself correctly. The trick is getting her attention and then letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are.
"The trick is...letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are." Or...not.
Seriously...who writes this stuff? If I had to guess, I'd say this is a fine example of "Those who can't do, teach."
Boys, those days of sitting in your trench coat on the park bench ogling ladies in vain are about to come to an end. Get out your pencils and prepare to take notes as TToB brings you "Best Ways to Stop a Woman on the Street." (You can read the entire article here: More Help for the Hopeless )
Here are the highlights:
Stopping a woman on the street is a five-step process:
1. Eye contact
Nearly every book, list or website you read about how men can connect better with women will mention eye contact. And they’re right. With the pretty lady you see on the street, make eye contact as soon as possible. Keep your eyes locked, too, so she knows that it wasn’t just chance that your eyes met. Once eye contact has been made, make sure she knows you are trying to get her attention. Wave, nod – something obviously attention getting.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Let's move on.
2. Use your voice
If you’re on a loud street, you’ll need to speak up. Make sure the ends of your sentences aren’t getting lost in the noisy bustle around you. This is particular important if she’s a distance away and not near enough to hear you talking at a normal volume. Stay calm and keep your words simple so she can understand.
"...keep your words simple so she can understand." Remember men, these are women we're dealing with here. Don't use big words like "interception" and "microbrew."
3. Don’t follow
You don’t want to rush after her. This displays neediness and might scare her. Instead, hold your ground and make sure she has heard you and has seen your eye contact. Compliment her so she’ll have a reason to slow down and engage you. If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you’ll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past.
"This displays neediness and might scare her." True story. However, if we feel that our target audience needs to be told that following a woman you've spotted on the street and stared down (see tip #1) might scare her, then it might have also been a good idea to include more specific guidelines in tip #4: Use Your Hands.
"Compliment her so she'll have a reason to slow down and engage you." Flattery will get you everywhere, duh.
"If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you'll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past." I'd love to see this notepad:
4. Use your hands
Incorporating hand gestures into your conversation will not only help her follow your conversation if you’re somewhere busy, but it will also keep her attention on you. On the street, it will be easy for her to get distracted, particularly if she isn’t totally convinced that it was worth stopping to talk. Use your hands to keep her eyes focused on you. Using your hands will also display confidence. Don’t keep them in your pockets with your shoulders slouched. You know what you want and you think she’ll want it, too. Make that clear.
"You know what you want and you'll think she'll want it too. Make that clear." It's all in the wrist.
And finally....
5. Smile
There is nothing as welcoming and nonthreatening as a smile. You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her but also maintain a calm that assures her that you aren’t a nutcase. Just smile. Express your excitement and attraction to her with your grin. It will calm her down, welcome her to you, and engage her in conversation.
"You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her..." without getting arrested, we mean. So we'll have to settle for a smile.
Let's sum it all up:
The trick with stopping a busy lady on the street is accessing your confidence and then, of course, not losing it. You have to stand your ground. Don’t run after her; your eye contact and waving should be bold enough to convince her to stop. From there, you know what to do. Flirt, compliment, engage. Make her so intrigued by you that she wants to know more. Don’t get too casual too quick – remember that you just met on the street and you don’t even know if she’s single – but if her body language is saying “yes,” go ahead and ask for a chance to see her again. Stopping someone on the street who catches your eye can seem a little trashy if you don’t handle yourself correctly. The trick is getting her attention and then letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are.
"The trick is...letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are." Or...not.
Seriously...who writes this stuff? If I had to guess, I'd say this is a fine example of "Those who can't do, teach."
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